Friday, March 09, 2007

Hitting Self-destruct

Although I’m content with the progress I’ve made in much of my life there is one area where I’m still bogged down in a rut and can’t seem to make any progress on – my career. The job I have neither inspires me, challenges me nor provides enough by way of financial incentive.

Money is very tight and the strain is beginning to show and it is affecting most of my life in very negative ways. The strain put on my relationship is immense and the spare cash for doing things with the kids is virtually non-existent.

‘You don’t need to have money to have fun with the children’ I hear you cry, but YOU try explaining to your children why they can’t have an ice-cream next time you arw in the park. YOU try looking into the face of your child and saying ‘NO’ when they ask to go to the Cinema.

Sorry to impart the negative today but I feel that I need to offload and I’m hoping by doing this I can tap into my creativity, my Awen. I’m looking for inspiration in my writing and by placing myself wide-open to you all.

I’m not looking for someone to do it all for me, I wouldn’t let them – things happen for a reason and I learn by finding ways to overcome them. This is my journey and barriers will be placed in my way for me to adapt and overcome them.

I’ve tried to re-write my CV and placed it on job boards but only receive the ‘we invite you to take part in our new opportunity’ junk mail. I’ve spent hours pouring through the newspaper and job sites only to end up feeling disheartened and tired.

The major problem is that I simply don’t know what it is I would like to do, what career and environment would satisfy me, how can I make a difference to other people and still pay the bills, what is my purpose?

I guess this is the crux of the problem – why am I here and how do I reconcile that with providing for my family? The great question that litters Personal Development sites throughout the Net.

Now I’ve read the theory, I’ve tried the meditation, I’ve attempted Manifesting, I’ve endeavoured to reach my Higher Self and still nothing comes.

‘Have patience and persevere’ I here you say, but while I spend all my time doing these things life is passing me by, the clocks still tickking and the bills are stacking up. My relationship is breaking down and I’m close to reaching for my old friend - ‘the self-destruct button’.

Walking in the dark

This is a process that I’ve gone through a couple of times in my life and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I throw caution to the wind and go totally off-rail in the search of the real ME, casting off all attempts to be something I’m not – to be understanding when all I can see are my problems, to be upbeat when I’m hurting inside, to be hopeful when all I can see are the dark clouds gathering.

I chase self gratification with glee, look for quick fixes, follow false idols, cast off all that is Light and look into the void for meaning. This I do with one glimmer of hope – that I will see all that I may lose, that is dear to me, that I love through new eyes.

It is only when you walk in the dark places of life that you can clearly see yourself and all of your component parts. Stripped down down to your base level - just flesh and bone, hunger instict and desire. The foundations of your very Self that everything else relies upon to grow and develop.

It is not easy for me to be simply thankful for all that I have. I need to take it right to the edge and see in vivid colour what it is I may lose. Then it is much easier to see what baggage I have amassed and to shed it. To cherish what I have in my life that is pure and good - and to fight for it with renewed passion.

But I no longer need to do this as I am a Father. The process is much easier now as I need do no more than look into my child’s eyes and see that their hopes and dreams are tied to me in a way that no-one else can ever be.

They rely on me to direct them along their paths until the time is right for them to walk alone. But they will always know that they can return to me when they are weary and the obstacles become too great. They will always have a place on my path.

I will struggle and fight for them, I will overcome, I will persevere and I will provide the best start in life I can for them.

They are my world, they are my inspiration and they always will be.

Take care and thanks for listening - I really needed that!



Sania Wyatt said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your problems. I think you must hang on with life for the sake of your kids. Problems come and go but the future of your child is what counts most!

Take courage,
Sania Wyatt

Stefanie said...

Hello - I sympathize with the first part of your post. It may sound trite, but I do the exercises in "What Color is my Parachute" every year, to make sure that I am on the right career track. They also have resume and job search. He has a really good article at the end about finding your mission in life, which is very interesting.

Also, for your kids, they are lucky to have a Dad in their lives that cares for them so much. That's more important than ice-cream :). I say this because my Dad died when I was 5 so I essentially grew up without one. I find that you care so deeply very touching.

Eliot Wasmund said...

I can relate, but in a different sort of way.

My dad was a pastor for 13 years and felt like it was time to leave the ministry, partly because finances have always been very tight and he needed to provide for the family (seven kids). He mustered the courage to hand in his resignation without yet having found a job.

He is now making less money than when he was a pastor; and has been required to take out a second mortgage.

Unfortunately, I see the answers to his problems, and I try to help him, but it seems that he's not attempting to see the true solutions in what I say.

I've told him numerous times that you simply must have faith in something and go for it. I'm not sure where you are in your life, but I wish you the best of luck!

klm said...

I feel where you're at, I've been there, I'm just coming out of there... the crux of the matter may be that you don't know WHAT it is you WANT to do.
And I know it is hard to focus on what will fulfill you when you have a family to provide for. But, don't give up, and keep working at the personal development, it does work! I've just worked with a great book, Is your genius at work? by Dick Richards (find it in your library maybe?) and found it enormously helpful in solidifying what it is I need to focus on - what it is that ultimately expressed my true self in it's most natural way.
As for 'job hunting', you can't find something when you don't know what it is you are looking for.
I had a moment last year when the bills piled up and it felt like I was about to go under and the tears just came... and it was a watershed because I saw the way I had been thinking and KNEW that first I had to change my thoughts, then I had to take different actions, and be open to different opportunities... and things HAVE shifted since then.
I don't know what path this will take for you, but it did help me enormously to ask WHAT it was that I had of value to give to the world - and then find ways to give that. It helped to be grateful every day for everything that I DID have. It also helped to be able to vent just like you did in this article.
Much joy and abundance to you, remember that the night is always the darkest right before the dawn.
Don't despair, don't give up, and most of all, have faith. Faith is what really matters in the end, because faith DOES shift mountains.
I know a lot of this sounds like old cliches... and it can be hard to really understand experientially what they truly mean, but they are only 'cliches' because they are true... but you must feel them to your bones for them to truly affect your life.

Much joy,

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